April 21, 2017 (Chicago, IL) – United Airline’s stock fell another 4 percent Tuesday as the embattled company finds itself amid a massive consumer boycott over the mistreatment of Dr. David Dao. A week removed from the fiasco of Flight 3411, United is trying to turn the page and regain massive losses in share revenue. To do so, the company is betting big on a new customer incentive programs that United CEO Oscar Munoz (at least for the next few days) says, “Will be revolutionary for the airline industry.”
The first program United is rolling out is its “Buy a Seat, Get a Seat” incentive, which is built off of general and long-standing policies of service providing. The new initiative will exclusively guarantee that if a customer of United Airlines purchases a seat, he or she will now have the right to use said seat (except for female flyers wearing yoga pants, which is still against company policy, while the overweight man sitting next to you clipping his toenails is good for takeoff).
United isn’t stopping there though. They’ve also introduced an innovative internal customer care policy known as the Dedicated and Respectful Airline Guarantee or DRAG. Munoz outlined how United plans to integrate DRAG into its current interactions with customers through his fourth apology letter in the last seven days.
“It’s with great pleasure I introduce our new Customer Care policy that aims at providing a Dedicated and Respectful Airline Guarantee (DRAG) to all United Airline Customers. DRAG will not just be enforced on our airplanes, but it will also be imposed whenever a customer encounters all levels of United Employees. United will DRAG customers while they’re checking their bags or searching the status of their flights. We’ll even DRAG customers in their own homes while they purchase plane tickets online. That’s a guarantee.
“As for the incident that occurred last week to Dr. Dao, again I am personally sorry. I know that I speak for all United workers when I say that we do not wish to deprive any customers of human dignity. Although, it is ironic that, as a profession, doctors sometimes deprive their patients of similar dignities. For instance, if I cancel a doctor’s appointment with less than 24 hours’ notice I must pay for that appointment, but if a doctor cancels my adult acne appointment hours before I’m scheduled to come in, I don’t get a free visit. What’s up with that?
So, to Dr. Dao, we’re sorry, but to the rest of society I think I’m justified in saying you’re welcome.”
United hopes that its new customer programs will be able to help prevent further declines in stock price and customer morale. While Oscar Munoz just hopes to finally put to rest negative news about his company and avoid any further media coverage about him or is adult acne. The only certainty with United Airlines is that, thanks to a bloodied Dr. Dao, it will be your cheapest airline option to travel home for your father’s third wedding that will almost certainly end in another divorce.
Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.