March 17, 2017 (Unknown, MT) – Supervillain Condor Sage listed his five-acre hideout in the mountains of Montana for sale last week. Already with a few serious bidders since the listing, there appears to be a bullish market for the malevolent estate. The lair is complete with five bedrooms, six baths, two shark tanks, and a TV production room to record your felonious strategy that acts as a blueprint to a protagonist ensuring your desired criminal outcome will surely be foiled.
Sage bought the property with the proceeds of a successful criminal career. He made his millions working his way up from a low-level street thug in Columbia to an international criminal mastermind. His most successful criminal scheme netted him $35 million in just 10 hours when he hired thugs to break into a high-tech ballistic warehouse to steal alleged classified microprocessors.
“It’s actually pretty easy to make that amount of dough if you have enough henchmen,” Sage boasted in his heavy Colombian accent. “Steal literally any type of small data-storage device from a weapons warehouse, put them in a briefcase, find a group of Chinese or Japanese men dressed in suits hanging out in a damp, poorly lit alleyway, and you’ll have four or five bids within an hour. I think those were just branded USB drives they gave out on paid tours.”
Details of the illicit sale aside, Sage came into a large sum of money and invested into what he calls “Sanctum Sage.” Now with two children and another baby villain on the way, Sage and his wife, Delilah, are looking for something not so gaudy and loud, a subtle lair to raise their family.
“I just can’t picture a family of five living in a super-lair anymore,” Delilah said. “I mean one of our walls is literally the side of a mountain. Condor Jr. is going to have to be a masked villain if he hits his head any more times on that thing. Don’t get me started on the torture chambers. Our dining room overlooks one, and it’s so distracting when we have both guests and a superhero imprisoned. Often the superhero usually escapes, or more superheroes come to the prisoner’s rescue. It always ruins dinner and the house. I just wish one of these fights would destroy the master bedroom so I can finally get the double vanity I’ve been asking for.”
Sage lamented the fact that his evil-chateau was for sale and seemed genuinely scared of his wife and what she would do if they didn’t move soon. Saying that he may be the criminal mastermind in the house, she’s “el diablo herself.”
For those considering touring the property, know that the price is currently set at $13.5 million. There also appears to be interest from another wealthy supervillain who is expecting to have to relocate his family in four years.
Anthony Salerno is from Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and performs with Ewing Troupe: Clementine. When he’s not working at Improv or his day job, he’s trying to talk himself out of buying Uncrustables at the grocery store.