March 13, 2017 (Santa Rosa, CA) – If you turn on the Food Network at any time in the day, there’s a good chance you’ll see Guy Fieri, the ultra-charismatic, frosted-tip poster boy of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. The alliterate cooking show was Fieri’s big break into the TV and culinary space. Americans eat up each episode as he feigningly nods in agreement while chefs list the recipes of their most famous dishes. Fieri, of course, not a master chef himself, is just a man with an abundance of confidence wearing bowling t-shirts casually and believes sunglasses were made for the back of your head.
These days Fieri is the host of the popular game show Guy’s Grocery Games. Never heard of it? Then you haven’t watched the Food Network in the past year, and good for you. The show takes place in a TV production warehouse that has been retrofitted to incorporate a somewhat functioning grocery store. This fake grocery has seen Fieri to often wander off during tapings, like a child wandering off from its mother at Macy’s while mom decides between the new Michael Kors purse or setting the money away for her daughter’s braces. Save your money mom, your child’s teeth are horrendous and nothing is more basic than a Michael Kors purse.
“I mean, it’s hard, we’re about to begin filming and Guy’s nowhere to be found,” Avrum said. “We usually discover him over near the deli station yelling for a butcher and asking for specific pounds of cured meats. It’s like he goes on autopilot and the grocery store set just activates him to this false reality. I always worried about him taping so many Triple-Ds [Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives], it must’ve made him crack.”
Avrum also suspects that Fieri has been “Manchurian Candidated” by Food Network executives and believes certain words or phrases said near Fieri seem to trigger his patented catchphrases. “Just the other day a contestant said the word porchetta and Guy robotically looked up and at the camera and said, ‘That’s a porchetta that you won’t
“Just the other day, a contestant said the word porchetta and Guy robotically looked up and at the camera and said, ‘That’s a porchetta that you won’t forgetta.’ After delivering the line, Guy seemingly came back to reality and just appeared lost,” Avrum said.
It’s estimated that Fieri tapes 80 hours of content for a variety of shows on the Food Network each week. Many believe that the flamboyant host has been set up for an epic breakdown, both career-wise and artery-wise with the grind of continuously eating oversized portions of the unhealthiest of cuisines America has to offer.
When reached for comment, Fieri responded with, “I just want to be the mayor of Chimichanga Flavor Town.” A cry for help? Possibly so.
Anthony Salerno was born and raised in Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and has performed with German Harmony and Titanium. When he’s not working at his day job, he’s rocking out to Led Zeppelin and rooting on his hapless Buffalo Bills.
(Top image: Funny or die; middle image: Instagram)