March 3, 2017 (Los Angeles, CA) – On the outside, Hollywood heartthrob Ryan Gosling appears to have it all. A successful acting career, a mansion in Malibu, and countless women clamoring for him to whisper, “Hey girl” in their ears. Even with his privileged life, Gosling has appeared to be going through a tough time that seems to have ultimately led to his bizarre disappearance. The warning signs where there, but as with many of Hollywood’s elite actors, people assume he was just method acting and getting ready for an upcoming role.
Now almost a week removed from the Best Picture debacle that took away an Academy Award from Gosling’s dull La La Land and gave it to rightful winner Moonlight, no one has seen or heard from him. According to witnesses, when the confusion settled on stage Gosling ran off holding his head and crying “no, no, no” to himself. That was the last anyone has seen of him for the past six days, leaving many in his inner circle, including his sister Mandi Gosling, worried.
“We’re just all real scared right now,” Mandi said. “I knew there was an issue going on when he asked me to go to the Oscars with him. I was like, ‘You can’t find a date?’ and he was like, “No Mandi, I can’t find a date. I think they know my secret’. I didn’t really know or care what secret he was talking about. I was just pretty excited about going to the Oscars with Ryan Gosling!”
There have been rumors circling elite Hollywood parties that Gosling was harboring a secret that was dark and disturbing. Beliefs range from him having a tattoo of Jon Hamm on his back to him being Canadian. Sonya Wallace, more commonly known as the selfie stick woman from the Oscars, claims Gosling told her his tale the fateful night.
“Well, Ryan came up to me and said, ‘First off, I want to tell you you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” Sonya said. “‘Secondly, I’m the Knitting Bandit. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.’ It was some real heavy stuff, which is why I reacted the way I did.” [Reaction pictured right]
Of course, Wallace is referring to LA’s notorious Knitting Bandit that has been terrorizing local banks for weeks. The Knitting Bandit, an adorably little thief, presents a hand-knitted stick-up note to bankers before politely robbing them and riding away on a motorcycle. Investigators have drawn links between Gosling’s love for knitting and his role in the 2012 film The Place Beyond the Pines where he plays a small-town bank robber that escapes via nifty motorcycle driving skills and his nonchalant attitude toward death. No formal inquires have been made by the LAPD into the whereabouts of Gosling.
Coincidentally since Gosling’s disappearance Sunday night, Knitting Bandit robberies have been committed every day and in rapid succession. What is Gosling’s secret? We may never find out, but what we do know is that the world misses you, Ryan Gosling. Please bring your infectious light back to us. We’ll do anything. I know at least five people that are willing to take the fall for you if you are indeed the Knitting Bandit. Also, bravo, that takes courage. You’re so daring and bold. Please come back.
Anthony Salerno was born and raised in Buffalo, New York. He is a current DCH student and has performed with German Harmony and Titanium. When he’s not working at his day job, he’s rocking out to Led Zeppelin and rooting on his hapless Buffalo Bills.
(Top image: Focus Features/Atsushi Nishijima; middle image: Death Star PR/Twitter)